Mentorship with Kaite O'Reilly

Thursday morning I awoke with a start! People say that but I don't know if they mean it. I actually jumped up in my bed. In the pitch dark I heard what had woke me "Where's Kaite?"

You see Kaite O'Reilly was due in that evening to begin our first major mentoring session. My mind must have been going through all the possible travel pit-falls that might befall this important meeting. I like to call this catastrophizing. All disastrous scenarios must be explored in my unconscious brain. I think this one was based around a fear that I forgotten her day of arrival. Some image of Kaite wandering the streets of a strange city was searing into my pre-waking brain.

Well there was no need for this level of fear as Kaite arrived that night and Friday morning we embarked on a packed day of mentorship. We had been engaging in a volley of emails the last month in preparation for this meeting. Kaite had developed a list of topics based on these emails which I added to as the day passed.

Intense discussions ensued as one topic melded into the other. All this was interspersed with writing exercises and a lot of questions. A lot of questions! Me to Kaite, Kaite to me and probably the most important, me to me.

What is mentorship?
I think it can be attractive to an artist to think that the mentor you have chosen will somehow drag the piece of artwork out of you. That isn't their job. That's the artists job. No one can write your play for you or paint your painting for you. Its down to the artist. It can also be attractive to think that the magic dust of success can rub off on you just by association with a successful artist. This is also a delusion. No one but me can do the hard work it takes to get up every morning and fight the demons that tell me I am no good and will be found out one of these days. No one but me can make me sit down in front a computer and make the clackiticlack happen.

Okay the above should be titled "what mentorship isn't". I can't say right now what mentorship is - I can only say what my experience has been so far. Its been about assessing my needs and communicating that. Its been about acknowledging when I am feeling vulnerable and what efforts I am making to hide that vulnerability. Its been about confronting my fears. Its been about   recognising when I have been trying to get the answer right rather than trying to "get down" what I have right now.

Its also been about getting to know this other wonderful artist, Kaite O'Reilly. Kaite has verbalised questions I was asking of myself but only in my head. She has asked ones I had not even thought of yet. This questioning has helped me to see possibilities I had not yet conceived for the project I am working on. It has helped open my view of the project to a full 360° view. She has also reassured me that its okay to feel overwhelmed at this point. Just keep writing!

The future
The next few months will be intense. We have plotted out deadlines for me to deliver work to her by for feedback. In the warm September sunshine I can feel enthusiasm for all these challenges. I am aware that as the days darken and grow cold, fear can strangle enthusiasm. Its up to me to keep writing. Even when the way is hard and inspiration feels like a gnarled tree stump, it is up to me to get the work done.

This mentorship is made possible through Arts & Disabilty Connect Awards Scheme and is funded by the Arts Council/An Chomhairle Ealaíon and managed by Arts & Disability Ireland

Giving thanks to our teachers...

I'm just back from a week of Commedia Del'Arte for advanced players with Annie Ryan of Corn Exchange. This is my second time doing this training and like usual I went in terrified. I nearly didn't go until a friend of mine gave me a kick up the bum: "Go you crazy cow!" So I went. 

Training in "The Style" is highly technical. I feel like a plate spinner, by the time I feel like I'm getting the hang of one thing the other plates come crashing down to floor. Its a  practise that engages me on an holistic level. I use every bit of my physical and mental capacity. 

Annie leads us through a gentle yoga-based warm-up in the morning. "Grounding" is exactly what you need when you are about to step off into the unknown. "Who will I meet today?" Annie emphasises "the heart space". Last year when I heard this for the first time it struck a cord with me. As actor-artists we are always in battle with the negative sides of ego; "Me first/My reputation/I want to look my best". Or even more limiting; "I'm shit/I'll never make it/Why am I even dong this?" However if I can ground myself in the heart space I can feel compassion for myself,  for those around me and for the characters I create. This is a place of expansiveness where I can create and take risks. 

Annie finishes off the warm-up with a moment of gratefulness. Giving thanks always gets me. We give thanks to our teachers. I think of all those people over the years who have left their mark on me for good, and for bad. I think of the Hindi phrase, "When the student is ready the guru appears." I think how the roles of teacher/learner can switch in a moment,  how anyone can serve in the role guru in a particular circumstance. 

 I think of my teacher, Belinda, who mid-wifed me through my terror of being watched "The audience want you to do well, Orla". I think of the lesson from Keith Johnston through his book "Impro"; "You are not responsible for your imagination" and how this allowed me to drop down the well into the darkest parts of imagination without fear that it somehow reflected on me. I have too many great lessons to recount here. 

And whilst I am grateful for all these positive experiences, I am also grateful for the pain of harder lessons. The death of two of my young friends within three months of each other, taught me about the preciousness of my life. It made me appreciate the wind on my face and setting sun of each day as it drew to a close, something they would never experience again. I think of other losses that helped me understand that grief is a process and although the loss will be with me forever, it will not always be so all-pervading. 

The lines from The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel resonate

In the clearing stands a boxer 

And a fighter by his trade 

And he carries the reminders 

Of ev'ry glove that layed him down 

Or cut him till he cried out 

In his anger and his shame

"I am leaving, I am leaving" 

But the fighter still remains 

At times I have wanted to cry out "I am leaving" too but the fighter in me still remains. I am grateful for every every glove that cut me and every hand that held mine. I am grateful to all my teachers.  

Kaite O'Reilly Writing Workshop

I spent this weekend in the company of the wonderful Kaite O'Reilly and fifteen other equally wonderful artists, as we explored creative writing for performance. It was part of a larger event run by UCC's ArtWorks in association with the Theatre Development Centre.

A few themes came up for me during the weekend. The first thing I was struck by was the quality of the writing being produced. Kaite worked with us using various exercises to get us writing. At different points participants could volunteer to read out their pieces. As the weekend developed we moved into performing the text. Participants came from a variety of backgrounds; some had never written before while some did not consider themselves to be creative. Others were theatre professionals; some experienced with writing and devising, others not. Across the board great work was produced.

Which got me thinking. I didn't think "Oh dear, why am I even doing this? Some of these people have never done this before and are producing stuff as good as anything I can do. I should just give up" No I didn't think that. Instead I thought about how innate creativity is to humans. How if individuals are given care, encouragement and a few tools that they can come up with the most wonderful creations.

Then I got to thinking again. (Oh dear!) If we are all so innately creative, or talented, what is the key to anyone's work being produced eventually, or not? And I came back to it again, like I usually do; Audacity! I like to call it being bold or boldness now for a variety of reasons. Or lets put it another way; Courage. If I have the courage to put my work out there or to take a leap and produce it myself then there is a good chance my work will be seen. If I leave my work on a hard-drive, there is no chance!

And that is a tragedy! I think of all the characters I write. I imagine them lurking about in soft-copy land, peering out through abstract file names, hoping that today might be their lucky day. "She will come back today, finish me off, or add someone in for me to play with. Maybe just maybe, she might print me off and let her friend's bring me to life!"

Which brings me onto to my other big insights from the weekend. Kaite generously shared not only her experiences as a writer but also as a mentor to other writers. She talked about working with a group of writers and a theme came up for them time and again. "I can only write when when I am inspired" I cringed; How many times have I heard myself saying that? Kaite advised that if you aspire to be a writer then you need to write even when you are not inspired.

Sometimes when I write it flows. Sometimes it feels like vomiting onto the page, like its coming out in massive violent spurts and I have trouble keeping up! That sounds unpleasant but its not, its just intense. I also experience writing where I start something with great intentions and enthusiasm only to become stuck. The "guards at the gates of the mind" (Quoting Kaite, quoting Seneca) rush in and ambush me. They whisper "It was a shit idea anyway", "This has all been done before", and eventually "Who do you think you are anyway? You are not a writer".

So what do we do then? According to Kaite - we keep writing! But how do we do that when the terrifying faces of our old blocks are closing in? We trick the mind, we out-manoeuvre the censor. Kaite brought us through a variety of exercises that could aid us in this area. She focused us on not worrying about perfection as we had such a limited time anyway. Kaite helped us to find inspiration, to work in ways many of us had not experienced before, and then to get it down on paper.

So to recap here are my big lessons from the weekend
1. Write even when you are not inspired
2. Trick the censor, find and use exercises to fuel your writing
3. Get it down
4. Keep it all
5. Finish it off
6. Be Bold: Get it out there!

Perfect Enough

So I started drawing again the other day. I was on total rest with a viral infection in my lungs and looking for something low impact and creative to keep me going.

A revelation struck me; I haven't sketched for enjoyment for years. I left art college in 2005 and I had no desire to pick up a paint brush or sketching pencil since then. (And I probably had no desire to do so in the final few moths there either.) 

What really struck me was this; that the very place I went to in order to invest in my art drained  from me every bit of joy I had for art. 

The whys are "whatever"s now. What is interesting now is the sense of pressure I feel when I draw. Gone are the carefree days of drawing for hours as a child just because I liked it. It has to have a purpose and to be successful. The race for perfection and "The Fear" arises again. It doesn't have to be perfect - and if it was perfect it would be awful!  

In art college there was a woman there who worked as the caretaker of the building. Someone was going on about getting a project perfect and she responded "That's the problem with you lot (students). You always want it to be perfect. If you just got into the mindset of "perfect enough" you would be a lot happier!" So here is my challenge. Is to find things "perfect enough". To stop pushing and just enjoy - otherwise whats the point!  

"The Child" Mask

"The Child" 

Character Half Mask

Finished - Titanium Buff Base

Clay Mould

The Child was inspired by a set of masks in the Actor's Space. These were a family of masks designed for a theatre performance. I worked with the baby and I wished to explore the possibility of creating a mask which might go somewhere towards a pre-teen age group. 

I started with the basic plaster of Paris mould of my face which I had made the winter before. To this I added quite a thick layer of clay. I covered in the eyes as an experiment as I had not worked that way before. This would mean I would cut the eyes once it had dried. 

I used a picture of my niece and my own face as a primary resource for the structure. I was also inspired by a monologue I had written the year before. It is written from the perspective of an eight year old boy. 

Paper Layer

Discoveries

It was difficult to cut the eyes afterwards. It was quite uncomfortable to wear and needed a lot of foam to make it comfortable. Next time I will experiment with building the mask around the eyes in the design and so leaving space in the eye sockets for the eyes. 

The thick layer of clay produces a mask which is far too high and so again is uncomfortable for this reason. I will experiment with a thinner layer of clay all over next time. 

The painting is a joy. I went through "the fear" with this mask. "The Fear" strikes at the beginning of every creative project for me. With  mask-making it begins again with the painting stage. 

The fear seems to subside a little once I start to get a decent amount of paint on to it.  Again the use of finger blending on the masks produces the best effect in my books. Maybe it is the effect of human touch on an inanimate object that breaths more life into it. Or maybe it is the slow methodical obsessiveness that appeals to me. 

I decided to paint on the eyebrows so this was a new challenge for me. Again the fear surfaced somewhat here too but I continued on. I referred to the picture of my niece as support here. Her soft childlike eyebrows are very different from mine so it really helped to take inspiration from nature.