"It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody" - Maya Angelou

Me today (Well two weeks ago!) 

Maya Angelou's words never cease to inspire me. They distil my larger experiences, the one's I have difficulty being eloquent about. They help me to put meaning onto my experiences. With her passing yesterday many are re-visiting or discovering for the first time Maya Angelou's power and powerful work.

I've chosen the above quote to write about today. I have ulcerative colitis. I had a pretty traumatic year from 2009-10. I was so sick I was unable to leave the house most days. When I could, it was like a military operation;

1. Driver goes out and heats the car up
2. Calls me when its running for 10 minutes and properly warm.
3. I make the dash from the apartment to the car. 
4. Sit in the car for another 5 minutes in order to see if the dash from the front door was too stressful
5. Assess viability of situation: Had the cold gotten to me this time? Would I need to go back? 
6. Repeat above steps if necessary

Finally I got some decent care through CUH. I was due for my first appointment on the Monday but on Saturday the pain got so bad I could no longer cope. I came back into the room where my boyfriend was and he was crying. He said; "You can't go on like this. I can't watch you like this any more It's killing me". Finally I listened. I had been waiting patiently for my appointment and not wishing to jump queues. I saw how bad I was in his reflection. It was hurting him just to watch me suffer. I needed to take myself more seriously. 

I went to A&E and was admitted 20 minutes after triage. I was written up for morphine. Later that evening I was brought up to a ward. I was put on high doses of steroids and a week later I was discharged. I was better, so much better. I don't like being on steroids but at least I had some let up from the pain.

3 months later I had tapered down the steroids and had come off them completely. That week was horrendous. It was like the floor beneath me had been removed and I just continued to plummet. I was crying a lot and I just kept telling myself "It will get better" or the mantra of that year "This too shall pass". 

I had suffered from depression and anxiety in the past so I knew what that felt like. But this was worse. I describe it like this. Imagine there is a basement in your house. No one is allowed down there. There is a trap door that leads to it but over that you have a plush Persian rug. Over that again is a really heavy wardrobe. There is even a lock on the trapdoor.  Well every so often you go down there. No one knows you are there because no one can see you. You are hidden. And anyway people don't approve of basements so you do your best to hide it and your journeys to basement land. 

The basement is familiar. You know you can get out because you have gotten out before. Now imagine you visit the basement. But this time it has changed. Instead of the familiar surroundings there is no floor. You think there is a floor but then you step on it and it disappears. And you begin to fall. But there is no thud. There is no bottom just an endless terrifying descent into blackness. 

And that was the week I got pregnant. Unexpectedly and we were not trying. I didn't know I was pregnant of course. But that's when it would have happened. The week I came off the steroids. Obviously not the best time but like I said, we weren't trying. 

So there I was, suicidal and pregnant. Unless you have experienced that I don't know if you can really fathom what that feels like. There I was with a tiny baby developing inside of me and all I wanted to do was end my life. I was so ashamed, so much so that I couldn't even tell my doctor what I was feeling. I just pretended to be happy when she said congratulations. It wasn't like I didn't want the baby. I did, I just didn't want to be alive any more. I thought of all those people who struggled to get pregnant and here was I wanting to end it all. I hated myself for it and I felt it was unforgivable. 

I lost the baby 10 weeks later. And then my boyfriend broke up with me. I was utterly depressed and the only thing that was keeping me alive, the baby, was gone. I went into see my GP after I lost the baby but she was away on holidays. Instead I was offered another doctor in the clinic. The fortuitous moments of life! I walked into that room and into the arms of my saviour. I think how lucky I was that day to meet this amazing women who is still my GP. I felt able to open up to her. She listened with compassion and gave me my options. I'd like to say everything was great from there on in but it wasn't. Things got worse before they got better but I had a doctor who cared.

That was a long setting of a scene into which forgiveness arrives. I was angry. Hey I was everything back then - I still am. I was grieving; the loss of the baby, the loss of the relationship. I had been physically sick for so long and now when I was physically better I became mentally unwell. I've been fed so much bullshit over the years about mental illness that I felt in some way I should just "snap out of it". Somehow the mental anguish I was in was not as valid as the physical illness I have. I kicked the shit out of myself daily with self-disgust. "All you wanted was to be better, to leave the house and have freedom. Now you have it, you are wasting it by moping around. Snap out of it."

Add into this the break-up. A short time after my boyfriend broke up with me he realised he had made a mistake. (No shit Sherlock!) I had promised myself that no matter what, I would never take him back. I was so angry with him. 

Time passed. I had one friend in  particular who really helped me keep my head above water. He would offer activities I could join him on. "Fancy helping me make cider" "Wanna go walk the dog in the woods?" "Want to come to a barbecue at my parents house?" "No pressure if you don't." Or when I was down on myself and tell him I had not got out of bed today, he would remind me how far I had come from the days when that used to be everyday.

I moved on. I started seeing other people. A year later I started going out with someone else. It was nice but something wasn't right. A year later we broke up at my instigation. That summer I had a chat with friend. She told me about an experience from when she was younger. I told her about mine. She asked me about how my ex was doing? How had he coped in the aftermath? My reply was probably something like "Why should I care about him? He left me when I needed him most!" And she did that wonderful thing of saying nothing, just listening and nodding. And in her non-judgement silence I saw myself. I saw my anger. I saw my bitterness. I saw how I had never forgiven him. I told myself I had moved on but I hadn't. How could I move on with all that anger and bitterness alive and burning in my chest. 

I saw how hard it must have been for him to watch someone go through months of pain and illness. To see their descent into suicidal depression. To lose the baby that he so dearly had wished for. To run away because it was all too much. And then to have to live with that decision, the anger from the person he loved, the knowledge that there was nothing he could do to rectify it. 

I let my anger go. I forgave him for doing the best he could by the light he had to see by. It took two years but finally I let it go. The past was the past and there was no going back. I see him now for what he was; hurt, confused, grieving. I finally found my compassion for him. Yes I wish it didn't take so long. But as a teacher of mine likes to say "It is what it is". I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't have had these amazing experiences of the last few years without it. Somewhere in a parallel universe there is a version of me still in love with that man, holding our child who would be starting school soon. But I don't live in that universe, I live in mine. It is what it is. 

So to go back to Maya's words

It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.

And most importantly forgive yourself. When you "forgive everybody" include yourself.  I forgive myself for being angry and for carrying that anger for so long. I forgive myself for lacking compassion for others but most importantly, myself. I forgive myself for doing the best I can by the light I have to see by.

Final thoughts on the Art of Change-making

Experience of The Art of Change-making

A friend of mine introduced me to The Art of Hosting some years back. She explained many of the concepts. The one that stayed with me was "some of the best insights come from the conversations at the coffee station when people are taking time out during a session". I always thought this was funny. Here we are gathered in a place to discuss some important issues. We are in a structured setting, we are being facilitated, we are being given allotted time to talk, we are listening etc. But the biggest forward leaps happen when I am taking a break and having a chat! 

There are a few issues at play here. The first is around creating a space where conversations can happen. We bring people together who have various interests and their experience from their respective fields can help hone and develop another's. So simply putting people in the same room and giving them a chance to get to know each other can aid the path towards insights and future actions and collaborations.  

The second issue I see is focus. I've done a few creative writing workshops and one of the best ways of aiding creativity is to take away choices. "Write a poem" is one of the most daunting exercises anyone could hear. However brainstorm 20 words plus around an event that happened in your childhood, now use six of those in a six line poem. Bang - a few minutes later you have poem! Why does that work? "Write a poem" is panoramic - there are endless possibilities. Too many choices and we get overwhelmed. Narrow those down and, paradoxically, there is more freedom for expression. The same is true for creating a space for powerful conversations to happen. Another word for this might be focus. So if we have a clear question, we can have a clear focus. Too wide a parameter and it is daunting.

So to create a space for powerful conversations we need people and a focus. On a practical level it is good to adopt a user-led contract for working practises. And really that is it. 

I think for many of us who navigate, and still navigate,  traditional education we can get lost in what we think should happen. There should be someone at the top of the room leading. We should all face that way and appear to be listening. Day-dreaming and doodling are bad, that's what we were told in school anyway. Permission must be sought before we leave the room. Breaks are decided by the teacher. 

In a room full of people who are attracted to something like The Art of Change-making there is no need for control. These are all people working at the forefront of their field, trying their hardest to improve the lives of others, the environment, to bring awareness issues important to them, to fight to have quieter voices heard. They don't need to be controlled and told how to comport themselves. They just need a space and a focus. 

And if we create a space where people must behave like children in a school then those wonderful conversations at the coffee station wont happen. Why do we think we need to control outcomes? We are conditioned that way by most institutions we come into contact with. Control and Fear are two sides of the same coin. We control because we are afraid. 

I see this in my dealings with educational institutions and their lecturers/teachers. During my time in UCC we used a system called "Blackboard". It was a way for lecturers to communicate with their classes about lectures and assignments. One suggestions was that the lecture notes should go up before a lecture. That way we could read the lecture notes before, do any pre-reading that might help, and then spend the lecture time in conversation around the topics. Most lecturers refused to do this. Their argument "If you had the lecture notes why would you come to class?" Intrinsic in this is the fear that they would be come redundant, that no one would turn up. What we wanted was to have a richer educational life, not furiously taking notes about a brand new subject we had never met before. We wanted to have conversations, to be able to ask informed questions based on our research and fill the gaps in our knowledge. We wanted an education and the lecturers, for the most part, were afraid they would make themselves redundant by informing us about what would be coming up. 

My experience over the last few years

I have had a tendency to do everything to be polite, to not hurt others. I think about their needs, how will this effect them? And then because I am so worried about how what I feel might effect someone else I take NO action. I am virtually paralysed by my worries for others. Now this is very noble - that I care so much. But it is leaving a big and important part out of the equation. - My voice and my action. 

An Indian friend of mine listened to my travails over the last few years. He put it simply to me in terms he understood and explained it to me. 

Orla you are too obsessed with Karma - with the consequences of your actions. The other side of the coin to Karma is Dharma. One interpretation of Dharma is "Right Action" If you act from right intention, good Karma will follow. 

And that is why it is so important for people like me to speak and to take action. I believe that every community has the answer to its own challenges within it. We don't need NGOs, banks or politicians to come in and tell us how to fix things. We have the knowledge in our community. And that is why I think we need dissent as much as agreement. This is why I think we need to hear objections first and not a round of bobbing heads agreeing. It can be so easy to get carried away by an interesting proposal, yet the dissenter can have an insight or re-shape the proposal that will help us all to make better decisions. 

My experience in Amsterdam

One thing that happened for me in Amsterdam was finding the courage in me to speak up. That was a sweaty palmed, beating heart, trembling voiced, teary-eyed affair!  I had clarity, I did not want any more of what had gone before. 

I went to talk to Floris. I asked him how I can be a better leader? He said, "You take the first steps towards leadership when you say how you feel, like you did the other day". Leadership isn't about dictatorship, we just think it is because its how we see it in the world most commonly. It's about saying how you feel. It's about saying "I am not comfortable with X." 

When you say how you feel, its leadership. When I don't say how I feel, we miss out on valid voices. The very voices that might hold the key to a challenge we face. We don't need to apologise for our feelings, we don't need to premise everything with "Now this is only my opinion, but...". Everything that anyone says is a feeling or an opinion. It's not sacrosanct. 

The second thing Floris said to me about leadership was "Propose an alternative". In that moment I realised I had totally understood the concept of walk out but had totally missed the walking on bit.  I find it hard enough to speak my truth (what ever I believe that to be at any given moment) never mind to offer an alternative!

So what am I saying here? When I speak from the heart and from the position of Dharma, (right action) I am showing leadership. I can let Karma take care of itself.  If your opinion and someone else's are in conflict, that doesn't mean that you are in conflict personally, you just have a difference of opinion. And we need that. Or else we end up in big stadiums cheering on dictators! (Okay maybe not straight away, but fascism can creep in if we don't hear other voices)

Leading through vulnerability

I hide. I am sick a lot so not only do I hide but my body makes it hard for me to be visible. But I also hide away for fear of what people will think of me if they see me when I am not well. I met up with a friend when I was sick two weeks ago. This was quite an achievement for me as normally I just stay away from others. A week later we met again. The conversation went something like this;

Orla

 I wasn't feeling so good last week. 

Friend  

Yeah, you didn't seem yourself 

Orla

No that was me -  just a version of myself I don't let people see very much

Friend

(Laughing)

I know exactly what you mean

So this is me. I am in pain a lot. When I am in a lot of pain I don't want to go on living. I comfort myself by repeating the mantra "It will get better" I have to go through horrible procedures. I have difficulty getting out of bed some days due to physical and mental health reasons. I usually get out of bed. Some days I can't dress myself or do any of the basic tasks that most people take for granted. Some days I do a dance class. Yes, you might find that weird but you know what? That is your shit, not mine. This is my reality, some days are bad, some days are great. I cry a lot. People want to comfort me. Again that is their shit. They don't ask why, they assume it is because I am sad. It is often because I am really fucking grateful just to be in the room. I am happy - I am so happy I cry. 

My challenges for the future

• To work from the heart and listen for when it whispers "Something isn't cool, Orla"
• Lead through vulnerability. Show up and let people see other versions of myself
• Believe in my voice and its validity
• To propose alternatives
• To help others to express their voice
• To challenge ideas and stigma around disability
• To remember what is my shit - and what is someone else's "Not my monkey, Not my circus"
• Question everything 
• Be irreverant

Time is Money vs Time is Heart

I've noticed that for those of us who did not start out acting at an earlier age seem to struggle more to learn lines. Its like our brains are not as elastic as those who start out as young adults. No actor I know enjoys the process of learning lines - its a means to an end. 

One weekend I was visiting a friend and whilst I was there I spent time going over my lines for an up-coming show I was in. He spotted me a few times mumbling words, uncovering the page I was working on and cursing slightly. He watched me do this over and over again until I got the line. Then I started onto the next. 

From somewhere outside my line learning misery I heard his voice, "You know if actors put as much work into medicine or engineering as they do into learning lines, they could be really good at engineering, or medicine. Think of how many of the world's problems could be solved it they put their energy into something like that!"

I stopped. I looked up. I asked him, "What do you do in the evening when you finish work?" He started on with activities like opening the door, having dinner. I cut him off, "I know what you do. You watch movies. You watch television programmes. At the weekend you go the cinema with friends."

So? "And what do all those things have in common? Actors. And if they didn't act? What if they didn't put in the years of study? What if they didn't do the hard grind of learning lines? What if they all decided to put their energy into medicine or engineering? What would you be doing in the evening?"

He kind of got my point. Kind of. 

Anyway there was a subtext to what he was saying. I'll take his above sentence "Think of how many of the world's problems could be solved it they put their energy into something like that!" and re-word it. 

Think of how useful they could be if they put their energy into something worthwhile!

I could argue that this is an isolated incident. But its not. I come up against this attitude from people all the time. My father regularly asks me "Will you be able to become a teacher with that?" You see there it is. Will you be able to something more worthwhile than what you are doing now? And the crux of that is that doing Art is not worthwhile.

And why? Because the worth from doing art is not as measurable as when you get paid by the hour or by salary. Here are a few more examples. A man at a Cirque du Soleil show remarking on how great the performers were "and all for a hobby". A mother of a young girl at a workshop telling me she discourages her daughter from following her dream of a becoming a writer "Sure you can't make a living from that". 

And we don't help ourselves either. One of the problems is that we don't value ourselves as artists. When someone gets a job in another sector we say things like "Oh you got a real job" Like what we are doing is not real? And what about what we do is not real? We create real objects, put on real shows, compose real songs, write real stories. 

I've come on this journey over the last few years. I've finally come to a place where I can call myself an artist but it was, and is, a huge struggle. Not only do I have to do battle with "The enemies at the gates of the mind" I have to do battle with friends, family and society. I have to say to them, I do not have to justify my arts practise by doing something more useful, in your eyes. 

So here are a few points I'd like to make about artists.

Artists are Entrepreneurs

Yes that is right entrepreneurs. No they don't create tech start-ups - they work in a much higher risk area than that! They set up music bands, theatre companies, festivals. They put on plays and events that they have no guarantee anyone will like or come to! 

Artists are Risk-takers

They invest time and energy into something that they have no guarantee that they will ever see returns from.

Artists are Speculators

Artists often have to invest in materials etc months or years in advance. One friend of mine who is a potter will often have bought the clay for a finished item 18 months in advance of the item even appearing in a shop. (Don't get me started on the sale or return policy of shops or their 100% mark-up!)

Artists are Philanthropists

Artists spend their time doing a lot of free stuff. For community groups, for their friends and for other artists. And they don't expect to get anything in return. I cannot count how many times other artists have shared their knowledge and experience with me with no absolutely no financial gain for themselves. 

And yes artist's cannot live on air. We need money to survive like everyone else. My own experience is one of living a different life, of spending less money on things I don't need. I don't have a car. I don't own a house. I don't buy clothes if I can help it. I don't dye my hair and I don't keep up with fashions. This is more philosophical and values-based than simple frugality. I can't stand to see the waste and damage done by our current linear economic model. Its the same reason I take huge pleasure in composting, seed and plant sharing and re-using items that would otherwise have been land-filled. 

The world sends me a message that I can choose to listen to or not. It says if there is not a financial reward for an action than it is not worthwhile. "Time is Money". Whilst over at The Art of Change-making one of the Knowmads was exploring the idea that "Time is Heart". I've only got one go around on this planet and I don't want to spend my time justifying my existence to anyone. "Time is Heart" resonates with me and my mission is to live as whole-heartedly as I can.

He who works with his hands is a labourer.

He who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman.

He who works with his hands and his head and his heart is an artist.

- St Francis of Assisi

The craft of questions, the craft of stories, the craft of the hands

 - all these are the making of something, and that something is soul. 

Any time we feed soul, it guarantees increase. 

- Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Critical Thinking (and why we need people who piss on sacred fires)

"Troublemakers make the world go round"
On the wall at Knowmads Business School, Amsterdam

I am afraid of experts. Gurus, leaders, people in white coats, specialists, doctors, directors, teachers. Hold on a second. I am not afraid of experts. As I type those words I realise I am not afraid of those people. I am afraid of me and you. I am afraid of the power we give to experts. I am afraid of our listening without questioning.

Some years ago when I was entering adulthood I attended a counsellor. I went because a guy in a white coat told me that he had "3 year olds who could handle their diagnosis better" than me. I thought if this doctor is telling me I am at fault then I must be. I went to a counsellor. She spent our sessions telling me how great I was and I spent 70 euro an hour to hear this. Well one thing (maybe the only thing) I took from this was one piece of advice she gave me. "Take two people you trust and ask them for advice."

Well now this worked to a certain extent. I was entering adulthood and I felt dragged and pulled by every wave of advice, not knowing where to go and not knowing what I wanted. This advice gave me the agency to not listen. To say "thank you for your advice" and then to completely disregard it.

However even at that young age I knew there was something wrong with the advice. So I added my own clause. Take two people you trust and ask them for advice, and always trust them to be themselves. Now what do I mean by that?

Well I'll give my sister Aisling as an example. Aisling is my older sister by five years. We were never that close as children but as we became adults we have grown to respect each other and our differences. She is one of my go-to people. If I want some straight-up, honest to goodness advice she is there. I talk to her and then she tells me what she thinks, a rare attribute.

Do I then listen and act as she would advise? Hell no! I listen but with the knowledge of her frame of reference. She is trained as an accountant, she is a good bit more conservative than me and she is a mother. And these are just three of the many frames that she sees the world through. I listen to get another perspective than mine. Sometimes I take on what she says, sometimes I don't. But understanding her frames of reference helps me to make choices about what I do take on board.

So what's the point? Blind faith terrifies me. The unquestioning belief in any process or person terrifies me.

I've had an amazing journey this last year on "Arts, Participation & Development" in C.I.T. One of the key parts to this course was working on critical thinking skills. There are so many good arguments out there for one thing or another it can be easy to get swept away. But we need to stop and ask ourselves a few questions

• What frame of reference is this opinion/argument coming from? 
• What shapes this person's world view? 
• Why do they want me to believe what they believe? 
• Who benefits from me changing my beliefs?

Oh there are probably tonnes more questions I should ask when I'm faced with polemic or propaganda but this is where I start.

What happens when we don't ask questions? Here is a few trends I have noticed happening.

• Putting people on pedestals
• Black and White Thinking (or the absence of subtlety) 
• Herd behaviour
• "Yes men" or women
• A lack of dissent
• Less voices being heard

The best teachers I have had have always made the point of saying that I should not take them too seriously. That they are fallible like I am. They have been open to learning and don't believe they possess all the answers. They welcome questions and welcome being questioned on their practises. They don't expect blind faith or ask me to trust in a process they wont explain. They don't claim to be alchemists. 

Why do we follow without questioning? I have a few ideas: It's attractive to feel like we are on a mission, that we share a common goal or adversary. There is a sense of belonging, of community. Most importantly though, it's easier. It's just so much easier to hand our agency over to others, to let them decide. "They are the expert" after all and they know best.

But by following without question, we create monsters. Yes we, the followers, create monsters. 

The other quality I think we need a bit more of in the world is irreverence. If anyone takes themselves too seriously we need to knock them down from their pedestal. If they are asking you to believe or to trust in the process without question, give them the finger. Shout "Boobies" at the top of your voice while all around people are shouting in unison. Press the red button. Piss on the sacred fire! And at any point if you take your role too seriously take joy when someone pisses on your sacred fire.