Thursday morning I awoke with a start! People say that but I don't know if they mean it. I actually jumped up in my bed. In the pitch dark I heard what had woke me "Where's Kaite?"
You see Kaite O'Reilly was due in that evening to begin our first major mentoring session. My mind must have been going through all the possible travel pit-falls that might befall this important meeting. I like to call this catastrophizing. All disastrous scenarios must be explored in my unconscious brain. I think this one was based around a fear that I forgotten her day of arrival. Some image of Kaite wandering the streets of a strange city was searing into my pre-waking brain.
Well there was no need for this level of fear as Kaite arrived that night and Friday morning we embarked on a packed day of mentorship. We had been engaging in a volley of emails the last month in preparation for this meeting. Kaite had developed a list of topics based on these emails which I added to as the day passed.
Intense discussions ensued as one topic melded into the other. All this was interspersed with writing exercises and a lot of questions. A lot of questions! Me to Kaite, Kaite to me and probably the most important, me to me.
What is mentorship?
I think it can be attractive to an artist to think that the mentor you have chosen will somehow drag the piece of artwork out of you. That isn't their job. That's the artists job. No one can write your play for you or paint your painting for you. Its down to the artist. It can also be attractive to think that the magic dust of success can rub off on you just by association with a successful artist. This is also a delusion. No one but me can do the hard work it takes to get up every morning and fight the demons that tell me I am no good and will be found out one of these days. No one but me can make me sit down in front a computer and make the clackiticlack happen.
Okay the above should be titled "what mentorship isn't". I can't say right now what mentorship is - I can only say what my experience has been so far. Its been about assessing my needs and communicating that. Its been about acknowledging when I am feeling vulnerable and what efforts I am making to hide that vulnerability. Its been about confronting my fears. Its been about recognising when I have been trying to get the answer right rather than trying to "get down" what I have right now.
Its also been about getting to know this other wonderful artist, Kaite O'Reilly. Kaite has verbalised questions I was asking of myself but only in my head. She has asked ones I had not even thought of yet. This questioning has helped me to see possibilities I had not yet conceived for the project I am working on. It has helped open my view of the project to a full 360° view. She has also reassured me that its okay to feel overwhelmed at this point. Just keep writing!
The future
The next few months will be intense. We have plotted out deadlines for me to deliver work to her by for feedback. In the warm September sunshine I can feel enthusiasm for all these challenges. I am aware that as the days darken and grow cold, fear can strangle enthusiasm. Its up to me to keep writing. Even when the way is hard and inspiration feels like a gnarled tree stump, it is up to me to get the work done.
This mentorship is made possible through Arts & Disabilty Connect Awards Scheme and is funded by the Arts Council/An Chomhairle Ealaíon and managed by Arts & Disability Ireland
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